This post is about Jenna Wortham’s
essay in Out Magazine about the word “femme.”
In this article Wortham
talks about how queers today are expressing “femme-ness” in ways that are
notably different from the traditional femme identity that was central to the
queer community in the 60s and 70s. She also talks about how the line between
masc and femme is drawn differently by others who view us than we draw it for
ourselves. One turn of phrase she uses that I especially love is describing the
times in her childhood in which she was misgendered as “slippery moments.” So often
when one is misgendered they have to face the shame and frantic apologies of
the person who did it. When you are misgendered you’re supposed to feel embarrassed
and ashamed, in the world we live in gender is central, so if your gender isn’t
immediately apparent then you’re doing it wrong. But Wortham never felt that
way, she loved being read as a boy, and to describe it as “slippery” really
embodies that feeling. It’s not bad or wrong or shameful, it’s something that
feels kind of good, like you’re getting away with something, even if it doesn’t
last long before the person realizes what they’ve done and the panic in their
eyes sets in. But you’ve still got that feeling in your gut that tells you you’re
doing something exactly right.
Another phrase that
stopped me in my tracks was her explaining that she views masculinity and
femininity as “collaborators, not competitors.” When I first read that quote I
had to stop and really think about why it hit me as hard as it did. As someone
who wants to be read as somewhat masculine, I shy away from even remotely
feminine things, even if I like them. I’m afraid they’ll give me away, show
people who I “really am” instead of what I desperately want them, and myself,
to see when they look at me. This bothers me because I don’t want to be so tied to an identity, I
want to be fluid, but at the same time I also want to see myself in a certain way.
But this article showed me that maybe I’m focusing on the wrong things. Wortham
realized as a child that “what adults had assigned to me didn’t have to belong
to me” and it’s time that I realize that same thing about the people around me.
I am inspired by her own story and the story she tells of Alexis DeVeaux, both
of who exist somewhere in-between. When they were seen by others in a way that
they don’t see themselves, they took it in and saw it for what it was, someone
else’s opinion that has no effect on their lives, and let it go. Because the
only voice that matters is their own.
Ready the essay here.
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